It’s so strange. When I was in college and finally knew without question, that I was going to get my degree in Criminal Justice to become a police officer, I was so focused, so confident, so assured.
When I put my mind to something, I let absolutely nothing get in the way. It’s going to happen and nothing is going to stop me. In fact, I don’t even consider the “what ifs”. Literally, all I see is my goal being accomplished. I have no doubts, no reservations whatsoever.
Before I became a Minneapolis Police Officer, I never knew that the word “rejection” even existed. No kidding. My entire family is successful and intelligent. Our parents really gave us no choice; we were going to college after high school. I never even knew I could choose otherwise and that is probably a good thing.
So off we went, my fraternal twin sister and I, to this private college in Nebraska. I had absolutely no clue what I even wanted to be. None whatsoever.
I suppose since I had been sexually abused from the age of 4 all the way into my early 20′s by multiple offenders, that had some effect as to why I was a bit of a “late bloomer” and didn’t have a real clear picture of what I wanted to be like my siblings did, but still, I was always very obedient to my parents and if they said I was going to college right out of high school, I was going to college. I never even thought to protest. Protesting never entered my mind. Only obedience did.
So, my sister and I were sent to this very expensive, private college in Nebraska. I took classes, but never studied. I liked writing for the college paper, though, and soon was promoted from writer to feature editor. I spent much more time on the paper than on my studies. After all, I had no focus whatsoever on what I was going to “be”.
Fast forward to a few years later. After I had moved to and lived in California for a while, then again moved to Minnesota and after I had met my first girlfriend who was a Minneapolis Police Officer….
At the time, I was going to Hamline University in St. Paul, MN, for undergrad, pre-law. But after doing a few ride-a-longs with my new girlfriend and her squad partner, I knew, without question, and I knew for the first time in my entire life, that I wanted to become a police officer. I knew for the first time in my life where I truly belonged in this world.
Before then, I was a wandering soul with no sense of direction. My older siblings all knew exactly what they were going to college for and they accomplished their goals. Yet I was a lost sheep with no sense of direction; until I met the world of law enforcement.
It was absolutely, without question, a 100% perfect career fit for me. Police officers need to be quick thinkers, calm under great pressure, in fantastic physical condition, fast runners (for foot chases) and incredibly courageous. That was me. All of it was me. I finally found my place in this world and I couldn’t believe it. For me, it was discovering something so much more valuable than gold.
After I switched majors in college and graduated with my degree in criminal justice and psychology, I applied for both the Minneapolis and St. Paul (Twin Cities) police departments. Though the St. Paul Police paid about $10, 000 more than Minneapolis PD, I knew I wanted to be a Minneapolis Police Officer. It was a much bigger and much busier department than St. Paul. I had ridden along with my girlfriend every single month the entire time I was in college. I wanted to “research” and be as prepared as possible for when I began my own career as a police officer.
After college and after applying for both St. Paul and Minneapolis, I was ranked #1 on St. Paul’s list and number #3 on Minneapolis’s list and this was out of several hundred applicants. A St. Paul recruiting officer came to visit me at my work to offer me the job right on the spot, but I had to tell him my heart was definitely with the Minneapolis Police.
I liked the constant action, the never-ending, exciting calls, and the caliber of the officers. I loved the danger of the “north side” and knew that’s exactly where I wanted to work once I completed the academy. I wanted to work in the busiest city and in the most dangerous precinct; the 4th Precinct. And after I successfully graduated from the academy, that’s exactly where I was assigned.
I was in heaven. For the very first time in my life, no exaggeration, I knew where I belonged. I knew who I was, I knew I was good at my job and I knew, without question, that I was destined to be a police officer and destined to protect people from the most dangerous situations.
Until then, I had no idea who I was, where I belonged, or anything. Sexual abuse does nothing but slow a person’s brain down while their body continues to grow. It’s the strangest, ugliest occurrence on the planet. I had now defeated it. I beat the confusion. I knew who I was now. I was a police officer and damn good at my job.
There is so much more I could write, but perhaps I would be wasting my words for people who may not quite understand. For those of you who do, this is for you-and me.
I’m writing tonight because I want to remind myself that I knew who I was at one time and I knew exactly where I belonged. I still know who I am, though the internet lies and slander and gossip have really disturbed me beyond comprehension. However, I still believe in God, for whatever reason, and I am going to continue to cling to the faith and hope that I have remaining that maybe one day God will still bring me justice and will reveal the truth-about everything and the truth will be made known. Whether I’m alive or dead when the truth is revealed is unknown, but I can still hold on to faith right now that it will happen some day.
God is a god of justice and redemption. If I didn’t know that for a fact, I don’t think I’d still be around. But honestly, I know God is going to bring all of us justice who have been so terribly hurt by the evil and unjust things that have been purposely done to us.
“No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper and every tongue that rises against me in judgment, I shall show to be in the wrong.” Isaiah 54:17