Life is interesting. Or at least it can be, depending on where we’re at mentally right now.
I am a bit of a loner (actually, quite a bit) and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit it. I like people, I care about them, but I don’t need them and sometimes it’s even difficult for me to be around them. Would I love a partner to share my life with? Absolutely. Finding one is another story. Not real sure where to even look anymore.
Any of us on any given day or night, could meet someone, have sex with them and maybe even then consider them our boyfriend or girlfriend. I used to do that, but felt no need to call them anything. To me, they were just a nice person I shared a nice encounter with.
Today, though, I admit I’m lonely and would love to experience being in love and in a healthy relationship. In fact, I desire that very strongly.
My partner has to love and worship God, though. That’s not an easy find in my world. She also has to love cats because even though I love dogs, I don’t want one in my home, scaring away my baby kitty. Cats only!
I desire to meet a very educated, sophisticated, professional and beautiful woman who, like me, enjoys being, looking like, and acting like a woman. I don’t intend to sound like I’m judging masculine women because I’m not, but we all have our preferences and there is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what we want.
There is a great deal of dysfunction in this world. And I mean a lot. But it seems that there is a bit more in the world I live in. Unless we have God strongly in our lives, relationships won’t last. I have to meet a person who stands on solid ground, knowing that without God, neither she nor I can do anything successfully.
It’s interesting (and irritating) how Christians think that homosexuals are somehow more “broken” than they are because we are not like them. The problem is that Christians read the 4 verses in the bible that speak about gay orgies, which are not a good thing in any normal person’s mind, and act like all gay people are broken, damaged and surely going to hell. Many, many gay people love God, but have been brainwashed by Christians who convince gays they are going to hell for being the way they are. Countless of these gay people, young and old, then commit suicide or feel abandoned by the world and unquestionably abandoned by God. Many others tragically choose a lifestyle of celibacy-when they absolutely do not need to. I know I am not choosing celibacy. God himself says we are not meant to be alone.
I’m alone now and it is LONELY. Yes, like the rest of you, I could go to any bar and pick someone up in minutes, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a quality, godly relationship that lasts forever. I’m looking for my soul mate-and I will not settle.
I’m not perfect. I swear, but am trying hard to break that habit, I get impatient in traffic, etc. But God sees my heart through all my imperfections and he knows…he KNOWS how much I love and believe in him. And he has not forgotten about me even though man has.
Drugs, alcohol, food, sex, whatever, are not the answer to getting fulfillment in our lives. Only a relationship with God is. And a relationship with God is not like winning the lottery. Anyone can get access to God and it is a sure thing. There is no risk, gamble or “chance” involved. It is a guarantee.
I have tendencies toward things of the world; frequent sex, the nice buzz alcohol brings, etc. But those things are all fleeting and artificial. Even many people we meet in church who claim to be Christians are artificial, but God isn’t. Man is weak, frail, and imperfect. But God is powerful, just, kind, and loves us unconditionally, despite the false rumors we have heard about him.
Many of us try hard to be authentic Christians, but the truth is, it’s not easy and we are not ever called to be perfect. King David was certainly not perfect in any way, shape, or form, but God saw through his imperfections and straight through to his heart. David, like me, loved God with all his heart, mind and soul. But I know, like David, I am far from perfect. I also know that no matter what, God will always love me like no human ever can.
I have to be honest as usual; I know God loves me, but I don’t feel that love 100%. This is because I knew my own father loved me, but it wasn’t expressed like it should have been. That doesn’t make my father a bad person. It just means he was a regular human being like the rest of us and God only knows what happened in his life that he wasn’t able to just say, “Jeanne, I sure do love you.” (But man, I would love to have heard that).
My point in writing this tonight is to simply say it’s okay to be human. We do not have to be perfect beings, nor are we called to be. No matter who you choose to love or who you are naturally attracted to, humans may judge, but God never does. Don’t listen to judgmental humans. Listen only to God, hear what he speaks to your heart, and be at peace with that.
I’m just learning to teach myself to take a deep breath, be still, and know that God is God. And I’m starting to understand that I don’t have to work so hard to earn God’s love. It’s not something we have to work for; it’s a free gift. It has not been easy for me to understand that-until now.
Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God”. It’s as simple as that.
And remember to breathe. And breathe that beautiful truth in. DEEPLY.