Now that we are entering in to 2014, I’m wondering how many of you are like me; wondering if things are going to change for the better in our lives with the new year.

I’ve been fasting-countless times-praying and seeking God as I read the word.  It’s been year after year after year, but nothing has changed.

Yes, I have changed.  In July I attempted to end my life-and sincerely wanted to-but people from all over the country intercepted.  The police were called, paramedics and fire arrived and I was taken to the ER where I was kept overnight with a guard stationed at my door.  Judge me, criticize me, whatever.  I am never afraid to tell the truth.

Where there is a will, there is a way.  If we want to end our lives, we can.  I thought 100% that I wanted to end my life, but I was being influenced by the Percocet and Valium that my doctor had put me on continuously for my back pain.  For three full days after my attempt, I regretted that I had not succeeded in ending my life.  Today, I am so grateful I failed to do so.

Drugs are not the answer, my friends.  Rather, they are the end to all hope and even your future.

I would always pray the prayer of Jabez daily.  But as I said, “that you would enlarge my territory”,  I would hear God say, “how can I when you are on a mind-altering drug?”  I knew what I was doing was wrong, even though my doctor had prescribed it, but I couldn’t stop because I did not want to.

Percocet and Valium are two powerful narcotics.  Yes, they may take away our pain for a moment, but the havoc they wreak on our minds and organs is not worth it.  I would take these pills-12-15 a day, feel no pain and this amazing euphoria, but when the effects would wear off, all I heard were lies from the enemy and I knew I was doing damage to my organs.  I would become agitated and all I could think about were all the wrongs people had done to me.

I would share with other doctors that I was taking 12-15 pills a day and they would freak out, but they never stopped prescribing them to me.

I have degenerative disc disease.  I do live with great pain, but are narcotics the answer or is prayer to God for healing the answer?  I know now that prayer for healing is the answer.

When we become addicted to drugs, our body develops a dependence and we require more.  In fact, when we take these pain killer drugs, they actually not only cause an addiction, but they also cause our pain to increase, not decrease.  That’s why we require more and more and more as we develop a tolerance.

Then my doctor, whom I had shared with that I was a cop and told her how much the law meant to me, decided to accuse me of selling my Percocet on the street; a felony that I had arrested people before as a street cop.  That happened after I was asked to submit a urine test.  When the test results came back,  they could not detect any Tylenol in my sample, so my doctor, instead of asking me what could have happened,  cut me off completely, cold turkey.  I decided it was then that I would stop taking these pain pills.  My doctor, with her unprofessional, accusatory words without even asking me for a possible explanation,  are what sent me over the edge.  Her false accusation was just one more lie spoken over me that I could not take.  I was triggered from all the previous trauma I had suffered and the trigger had been pulled.

Mind you, I could have easily filed a complaint against my doctor for just cutting me off abruptly, which is dangerous and life-threatening to our body, but I chose to simply stop taking Percocet and Valium all together.  I no longer see that doctor for obvious reasons.   And I know she will answer to God for her highly unethical treatment of me.

People pay thousands of dollars to enter into drug rehab facilities to get off their drugs under medical supervision, but I never did.  I couldn’t afford it, but I knew God could help me.

I desperately want change in my life.  I have so much to offer to both an employer as well as a life partner,  I have fasted countless times, like I am doing right now, but I have to be honest and wonder; is something good ever going to happen?  Will I meet the person of my dreams to share my life with?  Will my career take off again?  Will God heal my back?  And will God bring me justice like he promises he will?

I’m very comfortable being blatantly honest with God and I have presented these questions to him.  He already knows what we’re thinking.  But unlike people, he doesn’t get offended when we approach him with our pain and truth.

I have always wondered if God loves women as much as he loves men.  As a cop, I look at evidence to help explain the truth.  Honestly, right now, the evidence I see shows that God prefers his boys over us females.  But something deep inside of me tells me I am greatly mistaken.  God in heaven, please show me that I am wrong.

I will therefore wait patiently for God to reveal his truth to me and to prosper and promote me like he has done for his boys.  And I know that many men (thankfully not all), especially men in the church, will answer to God for how demeaning and disrespectful they have treated women.  They have treated us like second class citizens and have somehow felt it was okay to preach and teach that women are inferior to men.  I know in my spirit that this is not so.  There is no male or female, nor Jew nor Greek.  Take heed men, or you will answer and be punished for the way you have degraded we women of the world.  You are not superior in any way, shape or form.  So get over yourselves.

I have no idea what God has planned for my future, but I know that it will be good.  So good,  I can’t even imagine.

But I do know that God is a God of justice and restoration and that he will restore all the years the locusts have eaten-in all our lives.

Don’t judge me for what I decided to share with you today.  Instead, be encouraged that what God will do for one, he will certainly do for another.

And stay encouraged.

About jeanneassam

Law Enforcement Professional/Author of "God, the Gunman and me"

5 Responses to “TRUTH OR THEORY”

  1. Nice post, Jeanne. I wish the best for you in 2014 and beyond. It’s about time, don’t you think?

  2. I was asking the same questions about two weeks ago. Then a conversation in a Bible study took an odd turn, and I made an off-hand remark to another person there. That person now tells me that what I said completely changed her life for the better. Our mutual friends tell me that she is a new person. Good stuff can pop out of no where when God is involved.

  3. BTW: I thought to drop in because, once again, someone way out here in the boonies was speaking kind things about you. They don’t even know those men and boys exist, yet you have a place in their hearts and minds.

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