Life is interesting.  Or at least it can be, depending on where we’re at mentally right now.

I am a bit of a loner (actually, quite a bit) and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit it.  I like people, I care about them, but I don’t need them and sometimes it’s even difficult for me to be around them.  Would I love a partner to share my life with?  Absolutely.  Finding one is another story.  Not real sure where to even look anymore.

Any of us on any given day or night, could meet someone, have sex with them and maybe even then consider them our boyfriend or girlfriend.  I used to do that, but felt no need to call them anything.  To me, they were just a nice person I shared a nice encounter with.

Today, though, I admit I’m lonely and would love to experience being in love and in a healthy relationship.  In fact, I desire that very strongly.

My partner has to love and worship God, though.  That’s not an easy find in my world.  She also has to love cats because even though I love dogs, I don’t want one in my home, scaring away my baby kitty.  Cats only!

I desire to meet a very educated, sophisticated, professional and beautiful woman who, like me, enjoys being, looking like, and acting like a woman.  I don’t intend to sound like I’m judging masculine women because I’m not, but we all have our preferences and there is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what we want.

There is a great deal of dysfunction in this world.  And I mean a lot.  But it seems that there is a bit more in the world I live in.  Unless we have God strongly in our lives, relationships won’t last.  I have to meet a person who stands on solid ground, knowing that without God, neither she nor I can do anything successfully.

It’s interesting (and irritating) how Christians think that homosexuals are somehow more “broken” than they are because we are not like them.  The problem is that Christians read the 4 verses in the bible that speak about gay orgies, which are not a good thing in any normal person’s mind, and act like all gay people are broken, damaged and surely going to hell.  Many, many gay people love God, but  have been brainwashed by Christians who convince gays they are going to hell for being the way they are.  Countless of these gay people, young and old, then commit suicide or feel abandoned by the world and unquestionably abandoned by God.   Many others tragically choose a lifestyle of celibacy-when they absolutely do not need to. I know I am not choosing celibacy.  God himself says we are not meant to be alone.

I’m alone now and it is LONELY.  Yes, like the rest of you, I could go to any bar and pick someone up in minutes, but that’s not what I’m looking for.  I’m looking for a quality, godly relationship that lasts forever.  I’m looking for my soul mate-and I will not settle.

I’m not perfect. I swear, but am trying hard to break that habit, I get impatient in traffic, etc.  But God sees my heart through all my imperfections and he knows…he KNOWS how much I love and believe in him.  And he has not forgotten about me even though man has.

Drugs, alcohol, food, sex, whatever, are not the answer to getting fulfillment in our lives.  Only a relationship with God is.  And a relationship with God is not like winning the lottery.  Anyone can get access to God and it is a sure thing.  There is no risk, gamble or “chance” involved. It is a guarantee.

I have tendencies toward things of the world; frequent sex, the nice buzz alcohol brings, etc.  But those things are all fleeting and artificial.  Even many people we meet in church who claim to be Christians are artificial, but God isn’t.  Man is weak, frail, and imperfect. But God is powerful, just, kind, and loves us unconditionally, despite the false rumors we have heard about him.

Many of us try hard to be authentic Christians, but the truth is, it’s not easy and we are not ever called to be perfect.  King David was certainly not perfect in any way, shape, or form, but God saw through his imperfections and straight through to his heart.  David, like me, loved God with all his heart, mind and soul.  But I know, like David,  I am far from perfect.  I also know that no matter what, God will always love me like no human ever can.

I have to be honest as usual; I know God loves me, but I don’t feel that love 100%.  This is because I knew my own father loved me, but it wasn’t expressed like it should have been.  That doesn’t make my father a bad person.  It just means he was a regular human being like the rest of us and God only knows what happened in his life that he wasn’t able to just say, “Jeanne, I sure do love you.” (But man, I  would love to have heard that).

My point in writing this tonight is to simply say it’s okay to be human.  We do not have to be perfect beings, nor are we called to be.  No matter who you choose to love or who you are naturally attracted to, humans may judge, but God never does.  Don’t listen to judgmental humans.  Listen only to God, hear what he speaks to your heart, and be at peace with that.

I’m just learning to teach myself to take a deep breath, be still, and know that God is God.  And I’m starting to understand that I don’t have to work so hard to earn God’s love.  It’s not something we have to work for; it’s a free gift.  It has not been easy for me to understand that-until now.

Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God”.  It’s as simple as that.

And remember to breathe.  And breathe that beautiful truth in.  DEEPLY.

About jeanneassam

Law Enforcement Professional/Author of "God, the Gunman and me"


  1. Thanks Jeanne. May God Bless your socks off today!

  2. Jeanne: Just a comment. You are correct that you don’t have to earn God’s love….in fact we CAN NOT earn God’s love. If you could earn it, God would owe you. And it would not be Grace. Grace is unmerited favor…unmerited love. also, If we earned it, God would love us put to the point, and to the extent, that we deserved it. No more. That’s not very far. One sin is all it takes to makes us violators of the law, and subject to God’s wrath. But His grace and His love cancel that – overcome that – at the cross. His love is expressed in salvation, which is also a free gift . So let none of us try to earn it. It cheapens the gift and brings God down to our level. And that’s scary.

  3. Do you really believe in your heart that God is okay with homosexuality?

    • Yes I do believe that.
      Without question.
      And trust me, I do hear from God because I seek his face and his voice every, single day.
      God created us each very uniquely, just like snowflakes. What a boring people we would be if we were all the same.
      It is man who makes man-made rules. And it is man who judges, not Jesus. Jesus came to save, not judge. See John 3:17.

  4. Jeanne, thanks for responding to my post and so quickly. First of all, I want to say that I read your book – pretty much in one sitting since it is a great story and well written. God used you that Sunday and you are truly a hero.

    You may be inundated with messages from Christians questioning your beliefs about sexual preferenes, I don’t know. In any case, my intention is not to try to convince you that my beliefs are correct and yours are not. I have changed my views on a number of issues as I come to understand God’s word better and better.

    The question that I have for you is whether or not you think God judges us on any level. If so, what is the basis for that judgement and what will He do about it. So, for example, if I practice incest (which I don’t) will God judge me for that?

    And one related question: Do you believe in hell? If so, who will go there and what will it be like?

    Finally, I have decided to pray for you everyday for 30 days. I will ask God to confirm to you your beliefs about homosexuality if they are true. And I will ask Him to show you clearly that your beliefs are not true if indeed they are not.

    Thanks again for putting your life in jeopardy to save the lives of others. This incident hit close to home – literally – as we know a number of people that attend New Life.

    • You are correct; I am inundated by Christians questioning my beliefs.
      Yes, I do believe God judges us. And he is the only one who should be able to. Scriptures repeat that we are not to judge, yet many who call themselves Christians judge more than anyone and this definitely gives God a bad name. People don’t realize that there is an extreme difference between God and Christians. Thankfully, the two are not at all the same.
      Of course I believe in hell. I believe in heaven also and this earth we live on is definitely not heaven. Satan is the ruler of the earth and we as believers are to destroy the works of the enemy.
      You may pray for me all you want as long as you don’t practice white witchcraft, which are controlling prayers that Christians sometimes pray. Don’t try to control God or my life by praying those prayers. I will tell you this; I hear very clearly from God and I listen when he tells me if I am doing something wrong. As far as my sexual orientation, he has blessed me and repeatedly told and shown me he loves me just as I am. So there is no need for you to pray for me for 30 days. I already have the confirmation. How would you feel if I told you I will pray for you for 30 days, asking God to confirm to you whether you are indeed a heterosexual? God created us all very uniquely. If we were all the same as many controlling Christians think we should be, we would be a very boring people. I do not sleep around. I am looking for a godly woman who will believe and pray with me. We will find each other. This I promise you.
      I ask that you pray to God and ask him to see homosexuals as he sees them. I pray this prayer about everyone; that God will let me see them as he sees them. I pray that his ways be my ways and his thoughts my thoughts.
      I have been lied about, condemned, judged and criticized like you would not believe. However, because of God and his great love for me, I do not hate those people. Instead, if any single one of them who has hurt me was in danger, I would-without hesitation-give my life if I had to to save theirs. That is what you call a true heart for God. No need to further question my beliefs. I believe you have your answers now.

  5. I am not into any kind of witchcraft or anything like that. I am a seeker of the truth and look to the Bible, the Holy Spirit, and other believers as my primary sources of truth.

    I am comfortable praying as you suggested. You said “I ask that you pray to God and ask him to see homosexuals as he sees them. I pray this prayer about everyone; that God will let me see them as he sees them. I pray that his ways be my ways and his thoughts my thoughts.”

    That’s a good prayer. If we could see people the way God sees them and then respond to them the way God would respond to them, what a wonderful world it would be. For now, we can focus on our own relationship with God and then reach out to others as He leads.

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