I know I am not the only one who is alone in this world, but I am one of the few who is willing to write about it. It’s embarrassing to admit and I can already feel judgments coming from cowards hiding behind their computers. This is not a poor me piece. It’s just me bleeding my thoughts from my heart onto paper. You’ll notice it’s much less messy this way.

I ask that you please listen because I need someone to talk to.

I had such a promising future when I joined the Minneapolis Police. I had, or I thought I had, redemption when I shot and killed the gunman who had shot 9 people, killing 4 of them. I was sure the truth would come out about the lies told about me regarding the Minneapolis Police. I was even more certain that I would have job offers all over the country after I had saved all those lives by merely doing my job as a well-trained police officer. I could not have been more mistaken.

I had absolutely no clue my reputation was about to be further destroyed by lies, I had no idea the Colorado Springs PD officials as well as the coroner would conspire to lie about the gunman “killing himself”. Sure he did. If he did, he did and that would be that. But guess what? He did not kill himself. I did. I am the one who got his blood splatter on my clothes from my shirt, jacket, jeans and boots, and I and I am the one who has lived with PTSD without one, single person reaching out to help me deal with that. I would not hesitate to kill again if need be in a heartbeat, but PTSD is very real when you’ve had to end someone’s life in a very violent way.

I have never given up on hope. I hoped and prayed and fasted for Malaysian Flight 370, for all the people onboard to be safely returned to their families. I prayed for the father and son hiking near Echo Lake that they would safely be found, but the “searchers” gave up after 8 lousy days. I still cannot believe they gave up after 8 days. What is your problem? And why are searchers still looking in the ocean for Flight 370? It’s not in the ocean, assholes, and those people are still alive.

I tried the real estate thing, but quickly found out that is definitely not for me. I am not a salesperson, I am a COP. I am a cop, always have been and always will be.

So many “Christians” repeatedly told me, “Jeanne, God took your police career away from you.” And for a while, for far too long really, I believed them. Then I began to get to know and understand God better and no, it wasn’t God who raped and robbed me of my career, it was MAN.

God gives us all free will and he gives men free will to do what is right and what is wrong. In so many instances in my life, such as with the Minneapolis Police and New Life Church, it was man who lied, stole, cheated and robbed me of my calling. I have forgiven, but I promise you, I will never forget, nor do I have to.

If any of those people who destroyed my life were in danger, I would not hesitate for a minute to risk my life to save theirs, but I don’t have to socialize with them and their wonderful, blessed lives as they go gayly along.

I am devastated. My heart hurts more today than it has in a long time because my life is not supposed to be this way. I am supposed to have a partner, have a beautiful home to share with them, and to have great success contributing to society. Contributing to society, making this world a better place is what I was born to do, so let me do it God. What is the hold up?

Is my faith for real or is the joke on me?

When I do something, I give it everything I’ve got. I work out hard at the gym to stay physically fit, I smile at people who look lonely, I give people money when I have enough that can, I tithe every month, I pray every day for all the missing and hurting people in the world, I try to be an encouragement to total strangers on Facebook and Twitter because maybe, just maybe I’ve helped one person’s day get a little brighter.

But I honestly want to know when my time is coming? When is something good going to happen for me? Do you have a problem with me asking that? I’m sure you judgmental people do and my God, there are plenty of you out there. Instead of judging people, why don’t you try putting yourselves in their shoes? Until you do that, shut the hell up because you have no idea what trials people have been through in their lives. We can all put on a pretty face and our phony smiles, but on the inside we are gritting our teeth to hold back the flood of tears that have been held back for far too long.

If anyone else needs encouragement or a hug, I don’t have much to offer to you today, but I just need to be refueled myself. Maybe some of you could pray for me today. I’d greatly appreciate it and I thank you for it.

About jeanneassam

Law Enforcement Professional/Author of "God, the Gunman and me"

16 Responses to “BEING ALONE”

  1. Hi Jeanne, dear sister in Christ. As I read your words, I sense your heart and lift you up before the throne of God’s grace. I wish I had some easy answers to the challenges you are facing, but God knows and cares better than any human. I do know that we may never have the answers we need in this life, but God’s grace is sufficient. Every day as I drive to my house painting projects, I read 2 Corinthians 12:9 posted on my dashboard and renew my trust in him. It’s been 17 years since my career was stolen from me but ungodly men who called themselves Christians; a career that I devoted 18 years developing. I, too, am still waiting for a chance to return to my true calling. So I can appreciate a bit of your struggle and I join with you in asking our good Lord to hold you by his gracious hand as you walk with him daily. Stay true to him and he will make your way clear. And always remember, you are his treasure and he takes great pleasure in you. You are greatly loved!
    Your brother, Robert

    • Jeanne, I just ordered your book. Amazon sold out except for the Kindel edition. I read about your story in July C.C. magazine pp 82-83. I wonder how accurate that is. Have you seen it yet? The article soooo reminded me of that fateful day. I was and am a current member of the church where the YWAM facility was assaulted by the insane gunman that you took down. I am so grateful to you for stopping Murray. What you did is as though you were in my church as well that day protecting me and my wife. My list of favorites goes something like God, my wife, my child and grandchildren, Jeanne Aman, and all who have risked their lives in defense of my freedoms and rights. I so admire your courage and all that you bring to the table. My wife and I host the “RecoveringFrom Losses” facebook page. I cry internally for you for what the Minneapolis PD, the Colorado Springs PD and Coroner, as well as the others who tore out pieces of your soul. And I don’t even specifically know what that is yet. Your book is on the way. My wife and I are preparing for the new Broken Spirit Healing ministry that will hopefully be available at our church soon. I can relate to you on that level. When we are pummeled beyond what we can stand, our spirit breaks and we suddenly become different. We facilitate support groups in two local women’s shelters and we see every week the devastation of repeated and chronic abuse as a child and/or adult. I would like to validate your suffering and affirm your efforts to learn and move forward in spite of your horrific PTSD symptoms. I can’t imagine replaying the scenes repeatedly. You must have incredible coping skills. I have a hunch Jeanne that the emotional pain that you experience with the reminders is becoming less and less because of your strong sense of determination. And I speculate that without even talking with you. I have a private counseling business on the north side of the Denver metro area and would love to talk with you there. Consider that an open invitation. You are a picture of courage to me and I could only pray that I could protect my family as you protected New Life’s that horrible day. I see you as the victor over Murray the same way I see Jesus as the victor over evil. I praise God for you Jeanne and I am praying for you even now. Here is someone who is on your side, striving to learn and become a better person through my own experiences with life. I also seek to learn from others. experiences as well. May the Lord break through your pain and touch your heart with his tender and loving healing hand. Steve.

  2. 1. there are a lot of lonely people in this world. 2. All those who have somebody, will lose that somebody eventually. All relationships end, one way or another, without exception. 3. I still say you are trying to find a job that is disappearing. Police forces all over the USA are changing into militarized forces which will become the enemy of the people as the government becomes more and more oppressive, and more and more of a police state, with martial law. I dont think you are the type of person who would enjoy being an enemy of the people as a member of a militarized police force. 4. If you want a job as an old time “peace officer” whos job was to serve the people, those jobs are far and few between and getting rarer every day. Dont bother applying to the big police forces because they dont want “peace officers”. Try to apply to small, rural, sherifs departments, where the sheriff is anti government, and a sheriff who does not own a tank, nor have a swat team.


    • I’m not going to back into the patrol world, trust me. I’m going to actually protect and serve the way it’s supposed to be done and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

  3. Jeanne. Could you give me a call? I lost your phone number when I quit the state and took this job. Thanks. Ron Zaccagnini. 7198381441. 7192062626

  4. Jeanne: Thanks for baring your hurt. I feel your pain and will lift you up in prayer. We will covenant to pray for God’s intervention and leading. I lost your phone number in my quitting the state, so could you either call me or drop a line? Thanks.

    Jeanne, what comes to mind is Joseph. His life was stolen from him also. And Daniel. These guys spend who knows how much time in a jail cell. What do you think they were thinking? The same thing you are, but they looked beyond the current and fleeting situation. Their gaze was set on a time beyond…to a glorious promised future. Paul spent a long time in prison also. For nothing, except what he believed. And through it all, he wrote to encourage YOU: ‘Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice.’ How could he do that? By keeping his gaze beyond! Into the eternal, and believing the promise! I need to remind myself of that almost daily. Sometimes minute by minute. This life has been a torment for saints throughout time. The fulfillment of Gods promise is future, not temporal.
    Go back to the Word, and focus on His promises an His love for you!

    Romans 15:13.

    God bless you, sis. And, You are NEVER ALONE>
    “Are you all alone” asked the man as I rode in the dark past his cabin in the snow.
    “Are you all alone?” asked the stars.
    “Are you all alone?” echoed the hills.
    If a man is all alone in this miraculous world, then a neighbor is no help.

  5. Dear Jeanne, I have been reading your posts for quite awhile.I am in great admiration of your honesty!I am jealous of your singleness!I would give anything to be alone!I’ve been married for almost 5 years to a man with Bipolar disorder. He has never been stable on his meds.He is very verbally and emotionally abusive to me!Everyone tells me to get out and believe me I’m trying!Thete are alot of details and the story is quite complicated for an easy answer.The grass is NOT greener on the other side!I can’t wait til this chapter in my life is over so that I can have some peace and some time to myself!I will pray for you!You are duch a dear!Keep your eyes on Jesus!God bless you Jeanne and Happy Easter!

    • I’m sorry your situation is so difficult, Lizabeth.
      I don’t know what to say since I’m not in your shoes, but God knows what you need.
      Lets keep believing things will work out for the best because they will.

  6. It’s been a while since we last met. Sorry to hear you are struggling. My prayers are with you. I have made it through dark times by reaching out to those in need. Go back to the Biblical basics: serve the poor, the powerless and those in need. Surprisingly, I have found it helps the giver more than those that receive. I would also remind you, all of the organizations you mentioned are run by people and people (all of us) are flawed. You must forgive those who you believe to have transgressed you – not for their sake, but for yours. Most all who are drawn to the LEO community are outsiders looking in, and not easily accepted by the mainstream (remember sheep and sheep dogs?). Remember also, your actions at New Life are held in revered esteem in the community of sheep dogs, regardless of how history paints it. The acts you took that day continue to ripple out through larger communities you may never know – I have seen many positive changes because of it.

    • You’re exactly right, Chris. I have forgiven. It’s the forgetting that sometimes, not always, gets triggered by something. All is well now, back to good.
      Thanks for writing and the encouragement.

  7. Jeanne,

    First of all, let me thank you for being a warrior for Christ and saving lives, that said, I pray for you and your happiness. Be glad in the Lord as he tests you and your patience and be well In knowing you are his child. The Lord always tests and scourges the ones he loves and after all you have been through, he must love you alot! Keep your chin up…..never worry about what is written because the truth shall set you free. Do not worry about the reports of whether or not he shot himself….you know the truth and either way
    ….your well placed rounds in the face of incoming rounds is what put this soldier of the devil down….good on you.

    About me ….I am…..general contractor but my true passion is training…I am a CHL instructor, NR A instructor and tactical pistol and rifle instructor….i train a lot of cadets going into the police department and take my job very seriously. You did not amazing job and i use your experience frequently. I train constantly and carry in my church every Sunday and i can only hope…..if God chooses to put me in that position i will respond as well as you did.

    i like that you posted this blog post on my birthday….i am 60 and constantly workout and train as you do.

    Do not worry about all the idiots out there…be true to yourself and keep the devil at bay.


  8. Jeanne, I’m proud of you; I’m sorry that you are suffering. Don’t give up. “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18

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