I know I am not the only one who is alone in this world, but I am one of the few who is willing to write about it. It’s embarrassing to admit and I can already feel judgments coming from cowards hiding behind their computers. This is not a poor me piece. It’s just me bleeding my thoughts from my heart onto paper. You’ll notice it’s much less messy this way.
I ask that you please listen because I need someone to talk to.
I had such a promising future when I joined the Minneapolis Police. I had, or I thought I had, redemption when I shot and killed the gunman who had shot 9 people, killing 4 of them. I was sure the truth would come out about the lies told about me regarding the Minneapolis Police. I was even more certain that I would have job offers all over the country after I had saved all those lives by merely doing my job as a well-trained police officer. I could not have been more mistaken.
I had absolutely no clue my reputation was about to be further destroyed by lies, I had no idea the Colorado Springs PD officials as well as the coroner would conspire to lie about the gunman “killing himself”. Sure he did. If he did, he did and that would be that. But guess what? He did not kill himself. I did. I am the one who got his blood splatter on my clothes from my shirt, jacket, jeans and boots, and I and I am the one who has lived with PTSD without one, single person reaching out to help me deal with that. I would not hesitate to kill again if need be in a heartbeat, but PTSD is very real when you’ve had to end someone’s life in a very violent way.
I have never given up on hope. I hoped and prayed and fasted for Malaysian Flight 370, for all the people onboard to be safely returned to their families. I prayed for the father and son hiking near Echo Lake that they would safely be found, but the “searchers” gave up after 8 lousy days. I still cannot believe they gave up after 8 days. What is your problem? And why are searchers still looking in the ocean for Flight 370? It’s not in the ocean, assholes, and those people are still alive.
I tried the real estate thing, but quickly found out that is definitely not for me. I am not a salesperson, I am a COP. I am a cop, always have been and always will be.
So many “Christians” repeatedly told me, “Jeanne, God took your police career away from you.” And for a while, for far too long really, I believed them. Then I began to get to know and understand God better and no, it wasn’t God who raped and robbed me of my career, it was MAN.
God gives us all free will and he gives men free will to do what is right and what is wrong. In so many instances in my life, such as with the Minneapolis Police and New Life Church, it was man who lied, stole, cheated and robbed me of my calling. I have forgiven, but I promise you, I will never forget, nor do I have to.
If any of those people who destroyed my life were in danger, I would not hesitate for a minute to risk my life to save theirs, but I don’t have to socialize with them and their wonderful, blessed lives as they go gayly along.
I am devastated. My heart hurts more today than it has in a long time because my life is not supposed to be this way. I am supposed to have a partner, have a beautiful home to share with them, and to have great success contributing to society. Contributing to society, making this world a better place is what I was born to do, so let me do it God. What is the hold up?
Is my faith for real or is the joke on me?
When I do something, I give it everything I’ve got. I work out hard at the gym to stay physically fit, I smile at people who look lonely, I give people money when I have enough that can, I tithe every month, I pray every day for all the missing and hurting people in the world, I try to be an encouragement to total strangers on Facebook and Twitter because maybe, just maybe I’ve helped one person’s day get a little brighter.
But I honestly want to know when my time is coming? When is something good going to happen for me? Do you have a problem with me asking that? I’m sure you judgmental people do and my God, there are plenty of you out there. Instead of judging people, why don’t you try putting yourselves in their shoes? Until you do that, shut the hell up because you have no idea what trials people have been through in their lives. We can all put on a pretty face and our phony smiles, but on the inside we are gritting our teeth to hold back the flood of tears that have been held back for far too long.
If anyone else needs encouragement or a hug, I don’t have much to offer to you today, but I just need to be refueled myself. Maybe some of you could pray for me today. I’d greatly appreciate it and I thank you for it.