The Lesson in Lack

This story has a happy ending.

I have never struggled financially like I am now. While this has been incredibly stressful, this experience has also been very eye-opening.

I used to have a nice, steady income. Never kept my money to myself, though. I have always contributed to people who needed it. I did this gladly. I care about people and am genuinely happy to help. When I see a person in need, there’s not a better feeling than fulfilling that need and seeing the sincere gratitude on that person’s face.

But until now, I have never truly understood what it meant to be in lack. I’ve never not been able to make ends meet and pay all my bills. I’ve never had creditors after me, calling me every day, all day. If I had the money, I’d pay you. I’ve called. I’ve explained this. Yet they think that their harassing phone calls are somehow going to make my job pay me more and I’ll pay them in return. They make me feel like some kind of dirtbag criminal. I’m doing the best I can. And if you’re judging me right now, don’t. I never thought this would happen to  me, either.

Now when I watch movies (the free ones), I notice the ones in particular where people work hard at low-paying jobs and live in cities in nasty apartments or broken down homes, driving shite cars or having to take the bus. I notice that here where I live as well. I never used to. Not as much anyway. I saw it, but I never contemplated it. Why would I? It wasn’t my life. I never once thought I was better than these people either, but again, I never thought I’d be in a somewhat similar situation. I don’t live in a run-down home or apartment and I’m not on the street and still have my car, but my eyes-and heart-have definitely been opened to an entirely new world. A world that I hope is just a temporary visit. God in heaven, please let this only be temporary.

It’s not like I blew all my money on drugs, alcohol or gambling. I didn’t. I just ran out of savings and didn’t work a “real” job while I suffered through a time of off-the chart depression. When a person is that deeply depressed, you don’t want to be around people. You can’t be around people.

I did work, but it’s been on a very large-scale project that will change our nation in a very positive way. Shake your head in doubt all you want, but I guarantee you, it will. But projects don’t make a person money until they are believed in by another person or people with a whole lot of money and a whole lot more money than I have. Luckily for me, I found this group of people and things are finally moving along in the right direction. My sacrifice will be a salvation for our country. I say that not in a boastful way by any means. I say it simply as a matter of fact.

When I see TV programs where people are buying their 2nd vacation home, it reminds me  instantly how much my heart aches just to own ONE home. I grew up in a massive home. My parents were not snobs by any means, but they taught me, “Jeanne, you get what you pay for”, so I was brought up believing that you buy the best of everything. Honestly, we do get what we pay for. You buy quality things and they last longer. You buy cheap things and cheap things break faster and wear out faster. Obviously, this is not a choice for many of us, including me now.

I have always wanted to be a philanthropist. I’m a bit of a loner now (ever since the shooting), but I deeply care about people and love them no matter what they look like, the color of their skin, political beliefs, where they came from, whatever. I just care about life in all forms. Now that I am experiencing this tremendous lack in finances and my eyes have truly been opened to the stresses of not being able to buy groceries, fuel for my car, and get some of my bills paid, I want to be that philanthropist now more than ever. And I promise you, I will be. I know the bible says there will “always be poor amongst us”, but that doesn’t mean we have to sit by and let that happen. People with great wealth could be doing something about it right now. There are shows on TV about lifestyles of the most wealthy people on the planet. They have fleets of vehicles that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars each. They have gold toilets, Carrara marble staircases, chandeliers that cost hundreds of thousands, etc. Why? To impress the “Jones”?  Who are the Jones, anyway? And what do these people think when they drive by the slums or see people pushing carts on the streets? They don’t think. They are on their way to lunch and therefore most don’t ever even consider the rumbling stomachs of those in need.

I didn’t ask to be in the position I’m in now, nor did I do a single thing to deserve it-despite the false reports some of you may have read about me. I did my job as a police officer and saved several thousand lives from an active shooter. False reports about me and insecure people who choose to believe those lies rather than get the truth from me first hand are the reason I don’t have a great job back in law enforcement where I belong. But I had to move on. I had to pick  myself up and keep moving forward. Do you put a bullet in your skull and quit or do you acknowledge the integrity and the greatness that God has placed on the inside of you and keep moving forward in faith that one day YOUR justice will finally show up? But will it ever? I ask God that question every, single day. But I must believe it deep down or I wouldn’t keep getting up early every day, work out, and go to this job that brings in at least some income. I like the people there, I get to work solo, which I like, and I am not stuck in some closed-in cubicle. But listen, I didn’t get my master’s degree to do mindless work. God gave me a fantastic, creative brain (in my humble opinion) and I love using it to improve on every situation I see. I’m thankful I’m alive. I’m thankful for the things I do still have. I’m thankful for the decent people in my life who have helped me when I was in a huge bind, and I’m thankful that I still have that glimmer of hope that tells me my time is coming.

For all of you who are struggling right now with finances, with relationships, job search, health-whatever, hang on. Hang in there. Quitting gets you nowhere. Quitting doesn’t pay the bills you can pay. Quitting means you don’t get to see the great pet you have anymore who loves you unconditionally or the kids you may have, the amazing sunrises and sunsets, the leaves changing in the Fall, those beautiful Winter snowfalls that make your heart sing. And quitting means failure wins. And none of us is truly a failure. We were all born to win. Hang on to that last strand of hope and hang on to it tightly. Speak positive things over yourself and ignore the negatives, including negative people, that may seem to surround you. I’m telling you, you got this and I’m with you, cheering you on. And when my time does come-and it will soon-I will do whatever I can to make your world a better place too. You have my word on that. The End.

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About jeanneassam

Entrepreneur, Writer, Law Enforcement Professional

4 Responses to “The Lesson in Lack”

  1. Very well written and authentic. Your ship will come in. It has to. God Bless, Barbara

  2. Excellent post. Thank you for sharing.

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